Journey back to Unconditional Love

I came to the realization this weekend, that my life mission is to embody, seek and live in the vibration of unconditional love. It sounds simple but the conscious journey from fear, back home to love, is the most complex, intricate, demanding experience I have had/ am currently having.

Waking up, REALLY waking up,  to the fact I am a drug addict alcoholic human being was similar to the experience of what I’d imagine it would be like when a character in the walking dead looks down at their arm and realizes they have been bit by a zombie. You have a small grace period where you can just accept the fact you are turning into a horrible monster, a zombie, or you look for a fucking ax and get help from those around you to chop your very own arm off so you’ll survive (or in my case end up back in a jail or in an institution).

Now that I'm sober, this bible verse has a whole new level of meaning to me.

Matthew 5:29 

"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."

Every drug addicts' journey to the point of desperation looks different. But that feeling we all get, when we have reached that point of desperation remains the same. Utter and complete darkness and isolation. Empty, hollow, and for me, unbearable.

Some aren’t so lucky to reach that point, or should I say become conscious they have reached that point, before the grim reaper pays them a visit, snatching their soul from their 3D temple. 

Addiction takes a plethora of lives, this is the sad reality. I have been given the gift of desperation early in my life- to journey home to unconditional love, or what I like to call it, Heaven on Earth.

My story still baffles me, every day, to this day. The disease continues to pull me back and forth in and out of delusion. Delusion that I can use again, the delusion that I can use like other people, the delusion the I can do whatever I want, when I want. My entitlement, my "right" to judge others. The list goes on and on. Every day I pray and meditate- asking God to keep me sober for another 24 hours, and that God gives me the knowledge of (his/her) will for me and the power to carry that out. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Writing about my journey, especially up to the point of desperation, is really important to me. My disease begs me to forget how horrible it really got. It coaxes me into believing my fantasies that did serve me when I was heavily using- keeping me from coming to, and accepting the truth that I had lost my mind. Losing your mind is an intense experience the drug induces psychosis and manic state felt like pure bliss and ecstasy- and that still baffles me. How good it all felt, until reality slapped knocked me down…hard. And then, it was literally, HELL, and when I came to, I realized I had been living in hell all along.